A birthday better be forgotten...

If God were to give me power to purge a day off from my life, without a second thought, I would tell him to wipe yesterday off. Yesterday was my 20th birthday and the worst one. Having my "friends" ditching my treat for their comfortable and routine weekend, ("friends" who bluntly said "Let's have your treat some other day.") I had an rough idea that it is not going to be a very nice day. But did not expect it to be this worse either.

As this beautifully written blog post mentions, I got to experience how small and seemingly insignificant things, when added up, turn into a perfect recipe for bad mood and gloomy thoughts. After some midnight calls from school friends and a very nice handmade greeting card from my sister, I slept only to wake up in what turned out to be the worst day : A day of homesickness, loneliness and self-blame!

The day started with chatting on gtalk with one of my close friends where I got short, to-the-point answers and curt replies, which did not leave any room for further (say general friendly) conversation. All I got out of the chat was that he was still mad at me. Not a particularly good starting of a birthday (or any day for that matter), isn't it?

I had lost my phone this week and my mother had given my office number to all relatives and many of my friends. I had to sit in the office for most of the day. Each call made me happy and I talked a lot to my school friends, for hours with some. But the time between the calls... I don't even want to think of it again. Although I have spent week-ends in office reading tech blogs, and simply browsing the web, I did not just feel like doing that yesterday. I wanted to be among friends, out there on roads, roaming in markets or anywhere for that matter but not this lonely place called office.

My SIM being a chennai one, the vodafone guys had suggested me to tell my friends in Chennai to collect it and mail it, as they thought it would be faster. And hence I told Devesh to get it for me, but he was very busy that week and it was very difficult for him to get it done. I regret not telling him that I needed it by Friday night otherwise I will lose many important calls from my friends and relatives. Then maybe, just maybe, he could have found some time. So just the thought that I could have, but did not, explain him properly added to the general negative mood.

What did I do when I was alone in office and in no mood of any reading / browsing? Daydream! I just dreamed of being at home, having big bash with my school friends, of spending very nice and memorable moments with my family and of the delicious pav-bhaji which my mother used to make for my birthday (which my friends could not stop praising). For past two years, it was like a reunion of all my school friends at my home. Sharing memories of school and new, interesting things happening in each other's colleges. Lots of jokes and fun! And yesterday... there was none...

And then it struck me : I could have gone home! After all, it was a weekend and my intern being not very strict about timings, I could have taken a flight Friday night and surprised my parents! Then again, I daydreamed of the joy in my mother's eyes, the surprise on sister's face and the smile hidden in my father's mustache! One more self-blame. Why did I not think of that! After all, what are 5000 bucks compared to a day or two with your family, friends and relatives? (and now I could have been writing about "A birthday never to be forgotten..." :( ) So, one more self-blame, basically! Only if I had the awesome planning capabilities of Vikram...

Add to that a heated conversation with the only friend who accepted my invitation of a treat and a movie in a pathetic theater with not-so-good picture quality and by the end of the day, fever! It could not have been worse.

Now, when I look back I find it funny (how come I did that?) - the things I did yesterday. Eyes filled with tears, I read and re-read the letter which my mother sent for my birthday. It was about enjoying no matter what, about celebrating with friends, about realizing that some birthday or other I had to be away from home. The letter had a really heart-touching poem (her memories of my childhood). Then I read Deva's blog (why did I do that?) about his awesome birthday. So stupid of me to do things which make me sad again and again instead of doing other things!

One very important thing I realized yesterday was the facebook comments do help you feel better. Whenever facebook notified me about a friend's birthday, I would go to his wall and see the hundreds of comments already there, and think "there are so many wishes already there" what difference is it going to make if I wish? I was totally wrong! Significance is not at all a function of the number of comments already present. I regret those 50 odd times when I did not wish people just because there were already so many wishes.

It really helps to have someplace to cry your heart out and feel lighter. My blog does it for me!

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